No Desire to Grow, Heal, Improve, Transform, Wake-Up or Become by Lisa Natoli

lisa natoli Aug 23, 2022

I have been on a spiritual path for over 30 years, since my early 20s. Before that (in my teenage years and college years) I read self-improvement books. I wanted to “live in the light” and “be the light” and learn how to use my thoughts (direct my thoughts) so that I could “live my best life.” I wanted to live in consistent happiness and peace and because I read stories that others had achieved it, I knew that it was possible for me and for everyone. From the time I first heard of A Course in Miracles in 1992, my “goal” changed to knowing the Self, waking up, healing the mind, using the mind to heal the body, to be a miracle worker, to be truly helpful and to be completely free of grievances, upset, worry, fear, anger, shame, blame and guilt.

I was on it!

The one thing that I never questioned in over 25 years was who the one – the “I” - that wanted to improve, change, heal, wake-up, help others and become?

It wasn’t until 2018, after 6 years of pain and physical symptoms and after 25 years of seeking and searching, waiting for when “I will reach consistent happiness” that I stopped trying to heal, stopped trying to wake up.

I said: Fuck it. I am done with all of this. I’m just going to live my life from now on. I don’t care if I never heal. I am done trying to become. I am done with spirituality. Fuck it.

Then lo and behold: some interesting things began to occur which I want to share with you now.

I began to notice there is a way of being aware of a situation AND at the same time being aware of all the layers of how the situation echoes in me as thoughts, feelings, beliefs, sensations, stories and memories. In other words, there is the fact of a situation -whatever it is – a physical pain, an unexpected bill, no money to pay rent, traffic, a noise, a news story, someone dies. There’s the situation. Something happens or is happening.

But then … on top of this … are echoes in the form of thoughts and feelings of everything that the image I made brings to it.

All the years while I was trying to heal and trying to reach enlightenment, I never noticed this so deeply as now.

Because I was unaware of “my” identification with this “I” image that was always here, doing, striving, explaining, complaining, judging, remembering the past, anticipating the future, wanting things to be different, hoping life would change, hoping the body would change that I was blind to all this activity.

I love how A Course in Miracles talks about this “image you made” and tells us point-blank: it’s not real.

This image speaks to you, promising you of a future where you will be healed, awake and happy.

It says things like: Almost there. So close. Keep going. You just have a little bit more forgiveness work. Still some grievances to release. You’re almost there.

What this image DOESN’T tell you is that it wants you to stay in confusion and doubt. A Course in Miracles says that this image “wants you dead” but that it never announces this. It simply just goes on talking, telling you that you’re sick, weak, frail, powerless, helpless and alone.

Then it switches gears and tells you that you are confident, whole, healed, the light of the world, helpful, generous, kind, valuable and worthy.

Then it tells you: No, you’re not. You’re sick. There’s pain. You’re not awake. You’re never gonna get this. Try this diet. Try this breathing exercise. Be more committed. Visualize the end you want. Do this. Do that. Do nothing. You’re almost there.


Once seen, things can get intense for a while because this self-made image trembles, shakes in fear, quails in terror and as A Course in Miracles says: “seeks to attack the threat it perceives sensing its basis crumble”.

The moment you decide to stop listening to this image and instead you choose to identify with wholeness, oneness and holiness, the voice of this image gets louder for a while trying to convince you to listen to it.

A Course in Miracles calls this self-made image “the ego” and that “it’s not real” – but it seems real while you listen to it. It seems real while you identify with it as “I”, as “me”.


-Spend a day or a week being aware of what “this voice” says to you – about you, about the world, about others. It switches it’s story from “I can” and “I will” to “I can’t” and “I won’t”

-Notice how much this images “changes its tune” in the course of a day and even an hour from “I’m sick, weak, frail, upet” to “I’m whole and perfect” back to “No, I’m not.”

-Notice that you have the ability to be aware of a situation AND at the same time to be aware of all the layers and echoes of what you add to the situation with thoughts and feelings.

See what happens when you choose to no longer identify with this image, no longer listen to it. I hate to be dramatic but BE READY FOR A SHIT-STORM. Things can get fairly intense for a while as the image realizes its days are numbered and its death is imminent as you choose to identify with the Self and no longer pay attention to the echoes of chaos and insanity.

The image will continue to speak to you, but you have the ability to be aware of what this image is saying to you and at the same time: not to do what it says.


You will no longer be trying to heal or wake up or become.

You will simply be in presence, amazed that you see the echoes and stories of the self-made image.

I invite you to join us for The End of Seeking Conference which is 3 days on September 16-18, 2022 for more on this subject, by some of the clearest teachers on the planet.

I’ll be there and my session is Friday, September 16th at 4pm EST for 90 minutes.

I hope you join us.

Stay aware of the voice that says: “You don’t need another conference. You don’t need another class.”

That may be true, but here IS a good opportunity to practice being aware of the self-made image – to notice.

If you live in joy, peace, happy all the time with no cares and no worries and the voice says: “I don’t need another conference. I don’t need another class” then you know that you know! And that’s good.

But if you are still feeling lost, confused, unstable, sometimes happy, sometimes sad and a voice speaks that says: “You don’t need another conference. You don’t need another class” – pay attention to who or what is speaking!

THIS IS THE PRACTICE. To be awake to the image – to know the difference between the Self (which is aware of the image but doesn’t buy into its antics) versus identifying with the image and not even realizing what is happening.


You will know joy and peace as you no longer buy into the image’s incessant shouts to change, heal, improve, wake-up, become.

The End of Seeking Conference is LIVE and INTERACTIVE and this 3-day event is free to everyone thanks to the generosity of donors and to all the individuals who purchase an All-Access Pass

Click here to sign up.

I love you.


Lisa is a teacher of A Course in Miracles and founder of The Healing Cure, an approach to healing & awakening through an 8-week process of investigation and discovery designed to bring one to the recognition of their true nature, which is love, consciousness, the Self. When one recognizes their true identity, healing is accomplished.